Devoted to You
by DearReyy
Summary: Bella Swan, 17, lost someone -her best friend, and the love of her life- who was everything to her. After 8 years, she is dragged into a nightmare involving a myth and the someone who left her heart broken. Will she listen? Run? Or walk away? Read
1. Chapter 1

**Summary: **_Bella Swan, lost her best friend, and the love of her life. She tries to cope with it, and come to terms that he has actually died, but her heart doesn't let her. At the edge of hope she is alone and she doesn't know what to do. __And as a famous and successful businesswomen as well as the author of 4 successful books, she is living her new life, until one day. After__ 8 years, something happens to make her blood run cold,run in terror;shock and making her wish it was only a dream. But its not, and she has to face it even though, she doesn't want to. Why? Because she is afraid, and angry. Will she let the man that broke her heart many years ago, explain the reasons behind it and will Bella be believing him? Or will she laugh at his face, for having such an unbelievable and absurd reason involving a myth? _

_Read and find out._

Edward: I think you must tell your amazing readers some shocking news.

Me: Like what? *acts innocent*

Edward: You know what it is. *wiggles his eyebrows*

Me: *Dazzled by Edward, start to repeat what he says*

Edward: I don't own Twilight._ And Edward is so good in bed. _

He He! :)_  
_

_

* * *

_

_I'd never lived  
Before your love  
I'd never felt  
Before your touch  
And I'd never needed anyone  
To make me feel alive  
But then again,  
I wasn't really livin'  
I'd never lived  
Before your love_

_**Before your love by Kelly Clarkson**_

_**

* * *

**_

**18 November 2003 - **4: 30pm**  
**

Love can be difficult. Love can be happiness. Love can be finding the one, that completes you. Love can be irrevocable or forbidden. But most of all. Love is painful. Love is a drug, that once you become addicted to it, it can kill you. Love is the biggest regret, mistake people make. Every time. No one learns from their mistake because they are blinded by the flow of strong emotions, as if there was water flowing through them instead of blood.

I am one of those people.

And now look at me. I wish I could open up my heart, and show you the holes that keep growing bigger and bigger by the minute; which you will scream in pain and run never looking back. The holes that were coasted by _him_. My poor heart is bleeding. Crying. Missing him. The boy that I thought would be with me forever. He left this world, toward the sky. His soul must have vaporized from his body, leaving no trace of him on Earth. Making me hate the person who was responsible for his heart to stop beating. For the curse: life. Life that no more had any meaning...

The news came to me as soon as I woke up. Just last night, I had felt- No. I had anticipated for something bad to happen. And it did. Someone who shared the same life as me left me all alone. Longing me for his touch, for his strong;comforting arms to take me in. Longing me to want to feel his warm, soft lips meet mine, and move in synchronization. Longing me for the talks we would/could have had, for nights, with our souls pouring in front of us as we spoke.

I didn't believe it.

I couldn't.

I wouldn't.

How can things go worse than they already were? How could just in couple of hours my heart would feel as if it never had beaten? As the words poured from my fathers mouth, I couldn't keep up to follow them. It was as if the time had slowed down. It was as if, the world was just quite for a couple of seconds, for the respect for another soul to disappear into Heaven. My fathers lips moved but I couldn't hear anything. I couldn't listen. And as much as I tried, restraining my ears to listen to the voice of my father, I couldn't. The loneliness finally drank me in. The darkness finally, caught up with me in the marathon, and wrapped its arms around me. Strapping me into place. Paralyzing me not to move. Or to speak. Or to see. Or to hear...

I ask you? How can I deal with two deaths?Huh? Both the people I most needed, cared and loved, in this goddamn world was gone. Just like a blink of an eye. Just like a click of a finger. This world, isn't fair. The world that man-kind created. Not created. Destroyed. With hate, deaths, with arrogance, selfishness, vain, power, money, mistakes, revenge, wrong choices...I am not saying I'm not one of them. Because no one is perfect. No one is pure. No one is without a sin. But he was different...

He was innocent, unselfish, modest, kind, sweet-heart, loving, caring, passionate, determined, polite and very very stubborn. But most of all his heart was pure. Away from hate, revenge, kin, grudge. He was my guardian angel. He only wanted to save lives, help the innocent or the guilty, he _just_ wanted to give people second chances to live, make their hearts continue to beat. That's why he wanted to be a doctor. He had the passion, the excitement, the ambition. I could see it, hear it every time he spoke in his soft velvet voice. It was like hearing silk, while you run your hand through it. But now...I would look at the pictures, remember the memories, fantasize him kissing my cheek, imagine him talking to me, replay his touch in my mind, just to keep his memory alive. Keep him alive.

I was staring into space, while I felt a hand on my chin. I didn't have the energy, the strength to turn my head. I felt like I was drowning in deep waters, with a rock tied to my feet. It was difficult to breath, to concentrate and I felt panicked. But the hand slowly twisted my face toward the right. It was my father. He had fresh tears in his eyes, and few were now slipping down his strong jaw. His usual dark brown eyes, were now full of pain, concern, loss. It was distant, too. It was as if he was remembering something else, he was at a different time but only his body was the proof of reality. I knew what he was thinking about. He was also remembering his loss. The love of his life, his companion through the sad and the good time; through difficult times. I could sense that he was using all his power to keep control of his body, mind, his emotions. I knew the pain in his eyes were of an image. The image of a beautiful woman.

A woman with long brown hair, deep and ocean blue eyes, with Caucasian skin, and dimples on her cheeks. Her delicate eyebrows rarely knotted together, and it usually happened when she was worried. When she smiled, it was as if her soul brightened and a white bright aura covered her body.

Her smiles were always welcoming and genuine. She was tall and statuesque, with elegance, like a model. My father was in love with her. He always saw her as beautiful as how a goddess could have been. Every time when her name would slip out of my mouth, my father would just smile, and take long walks. That's why we don't talk too much about her. If we did, then I would be alone all the time. I know what he is doing in those long walks and it hurts me know that I caused it. He goes and visits the places where my father and mother both visited while she was alive and well. He cries under the apple tree in the forest where they shared their first kiss. I follwed him for a while but guilt took over me. He had the right to be alone, and protecting his own privacy. I also know these because my father always speaks when he's sleeping. He always dreams about her, and that I am the reason that he is still alive. If my father didn't feel that he was responsible to look and care for me, he would have already been gone right after my mother. My parents were unconditionally in love with each other, you see. They always joked that death would only tear them apart. Now, however, fate was joking with my father. They were like teenage lovers:flirting, always touching, talking, wanting each others company. It was the relationship that had feelings, emotions that reached its full extents. My father never got past her dearest companions death. I sometimes hear him remind himself that his wife will not be joining him,forever, just before he goes to sleep. He mumbles a low tune, of the song that was on when they first met. Now, looking at my father, made me feel selfish. I had no right to hurt him, no matter how much pain I was in. He was already still hurting, and I was as usual making him feel everything all over again. Tears poured down his soft cheeks, and he had a painful, shocked but calm expression. I closed my eyes, and rested my head on his chest. I could feel his weak heart beating hard against his ribs. He wrapped his arms around me and held me tight.

"I'm here for you, as I'll always be." he spoke in almost a whisper, with a soothing voice. He was calm but I still could sense sadness in his voice. He continued to speak but all I wanted was to close my eyes and wake up from this nightmare. "This is a promise I made to your mother. To protect you and move on with my life. This promise is the only thing that is keeping me to move forward. Its hard but I cannot do anything else but to obey it." he stopped abruptly to take in a deep breath and I knew he was trying to control his emotions. "I'm sure he wanted you to look after yourself and your family. I am almost 100% sure, that he would tell you to move on, and continue to live your life."

"Why?" I said, my voice hoarse. My voice felt like if some total stranger was speaking. It didn't sound like my usual cheerful and happy voice. It sounded as if a person who's heart stopped beating many years ago, and was now just wandering around like a ghost, without any purpose.

"Because my dear child, everyone's past is too painful, and everyone is too afraid to live and feel again. The easiest way for them is to forget. This is also the most selfish act." my father kissed the top of my head and ran his fingers through my hair. "Its sometimes...sometimes...too painful to look into your eyes. It's like I am looking into your are so many similarities between you two its bizarre. But the biggest difference is that you are emotionally stronger. She was not weak, but she always made small things get to her. But you don't." he took in a deep breath. I didn't know what to say or feel. It was if I was frozen for many years in a box and now when they took me out into the 21st century, everything seems so different and scary. I wanted to talk to someone. And my father was the only person left that could understand.

"Why?"I repeated, again. "Why him?" I spoke as if I was a robot. My tone was dark and hard. I must have sounded cold and emotionless.

"We cannot act as God, and choose who dies or lives, or ask for an explanation of God's work. It is not right for us to believe that instead of the someone we care about not to die but instead someone else. That would be selfish and it would show we have no humanity." he spoke slowly, emphasizing each word carefully. He wanted me to desperately gasp his point but the more he spoke, the more the reality started hitting me. He sighed. "I always asked the same question to myself when I lost your mother, and to be honest, I still do. I always ask, If there was something I could have done, to save her. Always." his words shot deep to my heart like bullets. He was sad. I was sad. And now we both had each other to hold on to. As much as the tears in his eyes, were pouring down his cheeks, I didn't cry. Nor did I want to.

"Why now? Why me? What did I do to deserve to be unhappy? Why is life playing with me?" I spat the questions as fast as I can. I wanted to get my hands on fates throat and kill it. Make it pay back for taking my happiness away and making me lose the meaning of living;to life. I wanted to cause pain, to make it taste its own medicine. But it was impossible. Fate wasn't a person. It was just one of the elements of reality.

"You can hate life as much as you want or blame someone to ease the pain in your heart, but it still won't bring them back Bella. It still won't bring them back!" he said, and I felt him shake his head. "Trust me. At nights I miss your mother deeply but I haven't given up on life. For one there is you. My life is yours and I would use all my power to protect you. And second, your mothers last promise is as important to me as to hearing your heart beat. All we can do is still love them like the first and never forget them. Even if that seems to be the easy way out." he said and fell into silence. I slowly unwrapped myself out of his strong hold and looked into his eyes. Tears were still pouring like rain down his cheeks and he had a smile on his face but it didn't reach his eyes. I swept the tears away from his wet cheeks and held his face in my hands.

"I understand." was all I said and it seemed to be the perfect response, because I finally did understand. I did understand why I would find my father staring at my mothers pictures in the mantel. I understood why he preferred to sleep on the couch rather than his empty bed. I understood why he took long walks to remember his memories of my mother and I finally realized as how much as he wished to remember of her he always avoided going to those places with me. I was a reminder and he was too afraid to relive those moments. I finally understood why he looked so hurt and lost whenever he saw me with another male. He was too afraid to die again, to lose me, to break his promise to my mother. I finally understood why he always felt awkward when he needed to comfort me or when he touched me. Loss hurt him so much and I was hurting him more.

"I'm so sorry." he said and kissed the top of my head. He held himself there for a minute and sat back down on my bed opposite me.

"How did it happen?" I asked. I wanted answers. I wanted to show myself that this wasn't a dream.

* * *

**A/N:** Hey everyone, this is my story. It may seem a bit dull or boring, but trust me, there is loads to come, with drama, humor, friendships and family.

Plus, please review and add comments as much as you like!

Bye for now!

**Edward: *rudely interrupts*** They can ask question, right?

**Me:** Yep! Absolutely.

**Edward:** And can kiss me, or dream about me?

**Me: *gasps*** Most definitely NOT! You're mine!


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:** HEY! How's it been? I've been going over this chapter a thousand times to see if it was just clear to perfection.

Anyways, I hope you like it.

Disclaimer:

**Edward: *winks at me***I have a message from Stephenie Meyer.

**Me: *looks uneasy and looks away* **Shoot!

**Edward: **She told me to tell you that, you don't own Twilight and unfortunately, you don't own Edward.

**Me: **THAT EVIL MOTHER FU- BEEP BEEEP BEEEEEP! ***mumbles more unintelligible swear words under her breath***

**Edward: **Don't worry though, because she said you could borrow it for a while.** *smiles a crooked grin***

_Anyways, have a read. Hope you like it! Read and REVIEW please. _***does puppy dog eyes* **

_

* * *

_

_I was alone  
I was tired but now I'm bound  
My head is off the ground  
For a long time I was so weary  
Tired of the sound,I've heard before  
Knowing of the nights I'm out the door  
Haunted by the things I've made  
Stuck between the burning light and the dusty shade_

_**I was broken by Robert Pattinson**_

**I WAS BROKEN**

**18 November 2003**

"Do you want me to make you pancakes with hot chocolate?" he said avoiding my question. It was hard for him to explain complex situations. This one was one of them but it was his responsibility as a father to do so. I placed my hand on top of his. His guard crumbled down and he started to speak.

"Last night. Edwards adopted parents were invited to a dinner party. Edward declined the offer to go with them and said that he would...um...call you and hang out with you." he said. He stared and watched my face while he spoke, analysing my expression. But I kept a straight face. I locked all my emotions in a safe keep, and hid it at the bottom of my heart. My emotions make me weak, instead of making me stronger. If I ever showed him that I couldn't bare to listen he wouldn't tell me, nor would he allow others to as well.

"Yes. He did call. He said he was alone, tired and hungry. He asked me if I would come but I said it was better if I should leave him to rest." I explained, keeping my voice calm and emotionless. But they came out as I doubted what I was saying. My father nodded and continued.

"They found out that the electricity was probably out when he was inside. And when they found candles around the house, they presumed that after the electricity went out, he placed candles around the house. The detective explained that...the way he was positioned on the couch suggested that he must have fell asleep when the fire started. They found burnt curtain fabrics. When the fire started, the toxic gas must have made him unconscious, which disabled for him to escape." my father explained in a soft voice but professional tone. It was like he was explaining an important subject to me when I was younger. It was when my dog, Panda, died. I remembered that I was devastated but got over it soon. But we both knew this was different. I was young then but I am older now. Guilt ran over me suddenly. I felt my heart being cupped and squeezed. I heard Edward's screams in my ears, while he was burning and I was here sleeping soundlessly. I felt like I was the one that killed him. The fire was actually the hero. Me abandoning him was the death penalty. He just simply wanted me to come over. But I lied, and said it was better off without me. I felt selfish. One small favor from a friend, who always agreed to my small wishes whenever I asked, felt like a huge wish, to me hours ago. I was tired and I felt weak. Once he asked me how a friend could a bad one? And if he was here, alive, I would point it at myself. _"I am a bad friend."_, I would say. But its too late. Its too late for apologies. Too late to bring the one you love, and much to late to tell them you appreciate them being in your life. I suddenly wondered what he might have been thinking, before he died? Would he be thinking how much he hated me? How much he wished I was there? Or nothing about me, but someone else. I didn't know.

"He died, and its all my fault. I should have went. I should have been there, supporting him, granting him everything he wanted. I should have been a good friend. I could have saved him. I could have..." I trailed off. I whispered, like I was saying these to myself. Tears stung my eyes, but I fought them away. My emotions were escaping from the safe keep, one by one, like bubbles of oxygen when you drown.

"There was no way you could have anticipated this, Bella. Don't blame yourself!" my father pleaded but I didn't believe him. His soft and concerned expression made everything worse. He reminded me of how he looked at me when he was telling me that my mom died.

"He was always there for me. He always came when I asked. Whenever I needed him, he would pull me into his warm and strong embrace. Hold me,protect me." I told my father but it was more of a reminder for myself. A reminder of what I would miss. What I could never feel again. I closed my eyes.

"Don't say such a thing. You were always there for him too. You were the person who healed him, after his broken heart, his past. You helped him live Bella. As much as he helped you, you were his life source too." my father sent out unnecessary arguments. No matter how much he made a strong point, I was the guilty one. I was the one that should have been given the death penalty. Not, him. Not my _broken angel_.

"I can hear him screaming for help,Dad! I heard the desperation, the plea in his voice when he asked me to come. But I cant hear his heart beat! Why?" I imagined his screams for plea, his pained eyes, those green emerald eyes, projecting fire. Him trapped, all alone. Dying. Slowly and painfully.

"Bella! Stop tortuering yourself. This was not yours or any ones fault. It is done and it cannot be un-done!"my father screamed. His face went red and he could no longer control himself. He saw this act as torture, but to me it was only the truth. It was something I had to accept to live with. An act of selfishness made him die. My act of selfishness. But I still couldn't cope around the fact that he died. He was so innocent and kind, he was like an angel. He guided me through my bad habits. The habits that made me sneak to the corner of my room, and cry. The habits of running away from home when things got tough and coming back late without giving any explanation. The habits to not to love anyone or anything. He helped me to have faith and hope. But now they were crawling back to my heart one by one. And I had no one to save me now. But it was still hard to believe that Edward died. It seemed like an impossible idea. A cruel and pointless fact.

"He wouldn't leave me. He wouldn't leave me all agitated, upset, he just wouldn't leave me alone. They must be mistaking. They're lying." I said trying to keep my voice calm. But he heard the desperation and the belief in my voice that he calmed down. He understood that I was no longer young. Nor, was I an adult either. But when you start seeing the real world, different to how you thought when you were a kid, you criticise anything and everything. Because you understand that the world is fake and full of lies. My father thought it would be the same as the same way I coped with my mother death. But with her, I was gradually told she died. I slowly saw her dying, even if it was painful, it made me get strong enough to face it when it came. But now, it was like a slap on the face. Quick and painful. It stung.

"They found his body, Bella. It's 80% burns and his unrecognisable."

"NO!" I argued back. I wouldn't believe in such a thing even though I always thought that science could prove anything and everything. But this was not one of them. It shouldn't be. It simply couldn't. "He's my Edward. He won't leave me. He just wouldn't. I need him and he needs me. I'm telling you he will walk through our front door tomorrow all will fine. He would look at me and laugh when I would tell him that people thought he ...he...died." I explained to my father. I told him the fantasy that I wished would come true. I wished desperately that this was a dream, that felt like reality. I tried to sound controlled but I failed. My voice sounded defeated, and shaky instead.

"Bella-" my father protested, but before he continued I cut him off.

"He's a smart boy. He wouldn't wouldn't fall asleep while the candles were on. He is too _precautions_. He always reminded for me to be careful with fire. As he works in the hospital he see's things I don't and he told me that people usually died or got seriously injured because of candles." I spoke in a dazed voice. It was like I wasn't here, or alive. It was like I was in a house full of darkness and I was talking to myself. I got up and started walking over to the bookshelf. I looked at the photos of me and Edward, in the swing at the park, his hands around my waist and my delicate hands around his neck. His emerald eyes glistering with happiness but mine looked at him in amazement. I never got over the fact that his now-woken-up-hair and his handsome reminded me of the Greek God Adonis. His handsome face perfectly structured features, green eyes, his bronze-copper tousled hair, that I loved so much and messed it up all the time, was a frozen memory on the frame. His crooked smile that always took my breath away was always natural and made girls chase him around. That charming and the most brilliant smile, that I had ever seen. I always teased him that his smile dazzled people, but he never took it serious and would simply say, _'Do I dazzle you?' _

_**"**_Edward Cullen. My, _Edward_." I spoke as I ran my finger tips over his face, his cheeks. "He is so polite, handsome, modest, passionate. He wants to be a doctor, you know? His favourite colour is chocolate brown, just because of my eye colour. He likes to read and spend time with me."I spoke as if I was inside Willy Wonka's, chocolate factory. I was amazed, and looked at the picture in amazement and loss. In envy. My voice sounded like someone who lost their insanity. I knew I was loosing mine, but I didn't think it would be this quick.

"Bella!" my father shouted to me across the room. I suddenly felt angry at him for no understanding me or yet respect my opinion. What I believed might be insane, but I knew he was at this point somewhere in his life time. Just as I was wishing for the impossible I knew he had once too. My father words brought me back, but not him calling my name. It was more of the tone he used. He sounded like he was confused as he also lost patience. So did I, because I placed the photo on the shelf and snapped at my father. I shouted from the top of my lungs.

* * *

Anyways watc'ha think?

Do you like it? hate it?

**Edward interrupts rudely, AGAIN! :**Why don't they review or send a pm to you, sweetie?

**Me: *rolls her eyes and snorts*** I was just getting there, you amazingly hot but stupid Volvo owner!

REVIEW IF YOU LOVE EDWARD!


	3. Chapter 3

Hey everyone! How you all been?

Anyways I have updated another great chapter, even if I say so myself! He he :D

**Disclamer:** I do not own the world of Twilight or the wonderful characters that are in it. Unfortunately Stephenie Meyer does. _But all the Twihards wish, right?_

_Oh mother, we're stronger  
From all of the tears you have shed  
Oh mother, don't look back  
Cause he'll never hurt us again _

_So mother, I thank you  
For all that you've done and still do  
You got me, I got you  
Together we always pull through  
We always pull through  
We always pull through  
Oh mother, oh mother, oh mother_

_**Oh Mother by Christina Aguilera**_

**OH MOTHER**

**18 November 2003**

"Oh, my girl..."Mrs Cullen jumped from her seat and ran towards me. She wrapped her arms around my shoulders and hugged me tightly. She smelled of lavenders. Just like Edward. I always teased hin about it, but that smell always reminded me of home, of spring. I breathed it in, deeply, I wanted to feel Edward inside me. His sweet smell, filling me up. Mrs Cullen stepped back to see my face. She still had the long caramel hair, and fair deep blue eyes, that I knew since I was younger. She never changed and I wouldn't want her to. She was a pasionate woman. She loved her husband like the first and cared about her adopted children as they were like her own. I couldn't make myself imgagine, how the other children would be, when they heard. At least they weren't here to see their parents, beause it would make everything worse. They went on a holiday trip to Paris, with the school. Edward didn't go because I didn't. But now I wish he did. Because if he did go, then he would at least be alive. Esme Cullens eyes stared into mine, and I saw how old she looked. She was 24 years old, but now, she looked 50. Her eyes were red, and there was purple sacks under her eyes. She looked vulnerable. I cupped her face with my hands and forced to smile.

"Are you okay,Mrs Cullen?" I asked but before I finished speaking, she broke down into hard sobs. Tears ran down her soft cheeks like streams of water, and her knees buckled, making her lose her balance. I held her hand and slowly helped her walk to her seat.

"Oh, my girl...I'm so glad you came. I'm so glad..." Mrs Cullen kept saying. I tried so hard not to cry with her, as she spoke through tears. I felt useless that I couldn't help her.

"I'm here,Mrs Cullen. Everything will be okay."I assured her but she shook her head, from side to side. It was like she couldn't hear me, and she was in her own world. She suddenly stopped in her tracks, and turned to face me. Her eyes widened, and she frowned. She looked like she just realised something that she had missed for so long.

"Edward...He's...hes gone!" she gasped and placed her hands over her heart. She looked hurt, like a bird whose wings were broken. She didn't cry but she froze in place, like a living statue. She stared at something over my shoulder, but I took hold of her cold hands into mine to get her attention. I guess this worked because her frozen eyes calmed down and slowly turned to face me.

"Calm down, Mrs Cullen. Just take a seat, okay?" she slowly nodded and I led her to sit down. The room was a dull room. The walls were grey, grey carpets, white coffee table and a big black sofa. As I had first enterd the room, I felt trapped and anxious. This room made me feel ill, even though I was healthy as a horse. I felt like I was in a cage, without any light or direction. I placed the thoughts aside, and sat next to Mrs Cullen. The couch was cold as ice, and hard against my back. Mrs Cullen turned to face me, and placed her pale white hands on top of mine. She stared into my eyes so intensly, so deeply, I thought I was hypnotised. No matter how serious she looked, I could still see she was hopeless. She had lost her faith.

"My dear child, you brought him back once, can you please bring him back again?" she asked in her soft voice. She squeezed my hands, and I felt my heart being squeezed. her plea for help was like achild asking for ice cream on a cold day. Her eyes shone with tears, but it didn't follow through. I wish I could help her, but I can't. I wish with all my heart, that I could make a miracle.

"Mrs Cullen, you have to understand that I am not a God. I cannot bring the dead back. I wish I could, even if my life depended on it. But I can't."I asked forher to understand but, she just sighed and looked down at our hands.

"My little boy. Why the little _Eddie_, that never spoke, never laughed, never smiled? Why did I let him go, when I just found him?"

"Edward, needs your love and support, Mrs Cullen. Keep your head and shoulders high. Be brave. That's what you taught him." I smiled, and Mrs Cullen snapped her head up, She looked confused, but happy.

"I...w-what?" she shuttered.

"Edward told me that when everything was hard, difficult for you, you always kept smiling, you kept tears away from his eyes. You were always the mother he invisioned, wanted. Strong and loving." I spoke slowly for her to digest my every word. Emphasize every point, because I tried to raise her hopes. But I failed again, because she once again, realised the horible truth.

"My dear child, its too late hes gone. I'll never hear him talk to me, never hear him play those beuatiful songs in his piano, never hear him laugh." she threw her arms around my arms and hugged me once again. I liked the feeling of being hugged like how a mother would hug his child. I didn't have any motherly affection for years. And I didn't want to let go off this moment. I hold her tight and slowly rubbed her back, and tried to calm her down. Her shallow breaths became slow and deep.

"I know,its hard. But we have to cope with it. Hes looking down at us, and hes unhappy. Sad. Please? For him and his memory, don't lose yourself. Your husband needs your support. I need you." she kissed the top of my head, and looked at me with those deep blue eyes. It was just like staring at the ocean. But Mrs Cullens, eyes shone with tears, and she even smiled. It didn't reach up to her eyes, but it was a development. I knew she was trying so hard, and I respected her. I was even grateful for her, to be able to stay strong. Edward may not be her only adoptive child, but it was the dearest on to her. His past always amazed her, always made her come close to tears. But what is amazing is that, she learned from Edward, without even realising it. She learned patience, with him. She learned to listen. She learned to let other peple help her, instead of wanting to always do it herself. She kissed my forehead and placed her chin on top of my head.

"You were all he ever talked about. You were the world to him. Everything. But more than that you were his happyness, his strength, his safety net;his sanity. I was jealous of your relationship. There seemed to ve always more than we saw, it was like you always knew how the other one felt or thought without speaking. It made me angry before, that you could be close to him more than I could ever be. But when I saw him smile for the first time, my anger vanished, and graditude filed me up. I thank you with all my heart. And I can never know how to pay you. But...Its difficult to say this but...I've never enved someone my life before Bella, until now. I admire and envy your strength, your relationship with him, your heart. I would give everything I have, just to hear some of the things he told you."

I didn't now how to answer. I knew that she loved Edward more than anything, but I never knew it was to this extent. I didn't know it was this deep. I felt stupid, and blind. Of course she did. It was her son, and the most precious to her. Edward was always a mystery, and now it would stay like that forever. I remember every little detail he told me, every single new things I learnt about him in the past, were fresh in my memory. No matter how much I wanted to help Mrs Cullen, I couldn't betray Edwards secrets. His words for my own ears to hear, no on else. But Mrs Cullens words still clung to my mind. She envied me? That was the most obsured thing i've ever heard! Edwards life wasn't interesting or amazing. It was the opposite. It was proof of pure evil. It was what he went through to become the person he was, that made everyones heart acje in pain, or come to tears when they saw his unsmiling, unhappy face. He was a boy with a gruesome past. But maybe? He could have had a bright future...

"My guardian?"she asked suddenly her face looked puzzled. It was if, she was thinking and something important occurred. But then she relaxed. "Oh yes...He was your guardian and you were his angel."

"Mrs Cullen? I've lost him, too. I miss him, already. And he drilled a big hole in my heart, that is just like the Black hole. He dragged me out of darknes, and I'm forever grateful, but now, I'm drageed back down again." she kissed my hair again, and hugged me tighter.

"You both saved each other."

"Stop this,Mrs Cullen. I'm sure Edward will always be standing next to you, smiling. Admiring your strength to hold on to the world, and continue living, even though you are hurting inside. Stop this, Mrs Cullen. For Alice, Jasper, Emmett,Rosalie. They lost their brother, and dont make it worse for them. Smile, for them now. Help them get through this tough time. Together as a family."

"What do we do?"

"You keep strong. He might have gone, but you have other children to look after, and they are young. Always remember that! They already lost their real parents, and don't make them lose another."I spoke softly but emphasized every word, letter, verb. I tried to keep calm but Mrs Cullens tears made my heart beat in pain. My eyes filled with tears but I took deep breaths. The tears froze in my eyes and didn't follow the journey down my cheeks. I was glad. Glad to be here comforting Mrs Cullen, and not Mrs Cullen comforting me. Because I knew that if she did I would say what I thought, felt, and this would make every single thing worse. Trust me. I pulled my head back a bit, and cupped her round face, in both my hands. She looked so fragile, and weak, I thought that she would just turn into dust. Like a hundred years old, vase. I kissed her cheeks and continued to speak, but this time, I kept my voice a whisper. "Pray. To God himself, and Edwards soul. Help him sleep peacefuly. You can't bring him back but hope that he wil be remembered forever."

"Oh, Bella. I'm so sorry." she placed her soft arms around me, and held me in her warm embrace:as she spoke. It wasn't like she was holding me, it was more like I was the only thing that was keeping her standed. I felt tears fill my eyes again, but I didn't let them follow into a river. But this one time, a tear ran down my cheek. How weird? I didn't want to cr, but this one tear, seemed important enough to break through my bariers. I don't know why but I think her voice reminded me how Edward would keep his smoothing and velvet voice to calm me and remind me that I wasn't alone.I shouldn't be afraid to let people in. I would smell his scent through my nostrills, and all of a sudden I would feel as if I was in the middle of Spring. His lavender filled smell, would make me inhale deeper and hug him tighter. This was not like Edwards cuddle, nor was it anywhere close, but her tone was just like his. I smelled Mrs Cullen, but she didn't smell the same now. She smelled of hospitals. The smell of medicine, antiseptics, anesthetics. I was glad she didn't smell like him, but on the other hand I wouldn''t be able to smell him anymore. A rush of loss and guilt ran over my body, as fast as a train on tracks. Edwards death felt like a huge stone sitting on my heart. I felt weak and lost, suddenly, and I hated this feeling. I've hadn't felt like this in a long time, but when I did, it didn't seem unfamiliar. I sighed.

"So I'm I, Mrs Cullen. So I'm I."

* * *

So how was it? I know we all hate seeing Esme sad..:(

But wait for more really interesting chapters. With alot more emotion, crying, a stalker and much more.

**Edward: (to the reader)**You should read and review. It makes Reyy happy. And it makes me happy.

**Me: **You are the sweetest thing! :)

**Edward: **Yeah, I know.

_You all want to make Edward happy right? So what are you waiting for? REVIEW! _


	4. Chapter 4

Hey guys, two chapter up in one day? I must love you far too much. Ha ha :D

Anyways, enjoy the chapter! Hope you like it!

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Twilight, even though my dreams are filled with it.

really.

Well sometimes...

_

* * *

_

_All the times that I cried, keeping all the things I knew inside,  
It's hard, but it's harder to ignore it.  
If they were right, I'd agree, but it's them They know not me.  
Now there's a way and I know that I have to go away.  
I know I have to go. _

_**Father and son by Cat Stevens**_

**FATHER AND SON**

**18 November 2003**

It was an hour ago, when I comforted Mrs Cullen. We held each other for a long time, that neither of us didn't want to go, but Mrs Cullen understandably fell asleep in my arms. I layed her slowly to the sofa, and asked one of the nurses to put a blanket over her. I wanted to do it, but seeing her worried and weak face asleep would make me cry my eyes out. And after that, I found myself at the doors leading to the morge. Where maybe Edwards body lay, dead. Frozen and his heart never beating. But whenever I thought he died or admitted that he might, I didn't sound convicng nor felt like I was telling the truth. I don't know. Maybe I was so confused and paralysed of my emotions to split reality and fantazises from each other. I stared at the white doors, looking through the frame into the corridor that looked as isolated as a desert. There were no souls wondering and I thought who would want to? I couldn't imagine people wanting to go in and out of the doors bringing new dead people, or looking at the faces of those whose hearts will never beat again. It must be scary. Hard, more than anything to tell the relatives that they had lost someone dear to them. But I blew the thought away and stared out the frame. I was desperatly still hoping that camera crew will run down the corridor with laughter and tell me it was all a big joke Edward planned. He would be leaning on the wall casually with his perfect crooked smile stuck on his face like glue, and I would run toward him, as our hands would meet, and I would hug him tightly instead of trying to kick his ass. I smiled, but not for long. What if he didn't walk out of the door, with his perfect skin, but instead, his skin would be burnt and no flesh was visible instead of his dark burned skin. I whinsed at the thought and I truelly came to realise that I was really torturing myself. I kept on being so percepistive, always looking at things the bad ways.

_*Start Flashback*_

_I tried to choose one of the many best memories I had with Edward. But the most memory that stood out was when I first met him. The first time that I felt his lonely heart beat as mine. He was only 10 years old. In the park, when they first moved to Washington the unknown town in Forks. I remembered his sad ,lonely emerald green eyes, that I can never forget. His unique bronze hair was long and it came over his eyes. It made him look kind of dorky and geeky like! But I remember, pulling hands out of my jeans and slipping his bronze strands of hair behind his ears. I watched the nameless boys cheeks turn red and his smile rose from sides of his mouth. We were in the park his adoptive parents, which I was told later, was on the bench staring at him in anxious but somewhat surprised expressions. I felt myself blush by his smile and felt heat rise to my face like a hot lava. I remember him watching me while I built a sand castle in the small area that was filled with sand. His amazing green eyes never left mine, and I remember him watching closely, trying to figure me out. Edward was quite throughout the time we were on the park, and we made the perfect sand castles that could be made. After we were done, we stared at out master piece. At that time, it seemed like I made the most brilliant art in the world and I could be an artist, but now remembering the thought, made me laugh of my foolish, young thoughts. Remembering the memories, I couldn't forget what I did at that time. It was not what I would say to a stranger but I spoke with confidence. Well, confidence of a 10 year old. And how much was that? Well, not much..._

_" What's your name?" I remember asking and the boys mouth gawking open in total surprise. At that age, I thought he couldn't speak or that he didn't have any friends and he was just surprised someone talked to him. But to my own surprise, his face turned from shock to a warming grin and he spoke in a soft voice. It was almost angelic..._

_"Hi. Mine is Edward Cullen. Whats yours?" _

_"Mine is Isabella Marie Swan. You can call me Bella." I said and straightened my hand to shake his. He stared at it for a while and I thought he wasn't going to shake it but he took hold in a strong grip and shook my hand. I remember, his parents rushing over to him, laughing, his mother crying in glee. At that time I couldn't make up why they acted the way they did, but later on I found out that their child never spoke a word to anyone in years, or smiled, or laughed, or had any physical contact with another person. Not even a hug. I couldn't remember what I did after his parents destroyed our sand castles, but I remember him puting his hand on mine and promising me something. _

_"Don't worry Bella. I'll come again and we'll make a bigger one!" he gestured his hands to show how big it would be. I felt sadness vanishing away like wawes on a beach in seconds and pleasure placing it. It was a great promise. But before his parents took him away, I watched him close up inside his shell again, not answering the questions asked by his parents or leaving my eyes as he walked looked all sad and lonely again, not like the Edward that just spoke to me, who seemed to be full of life and joy. I felt strange at that time, but I ran as fast as I could to catch them before they were out of the gates. I wanted to comfort the strange boy who was a total mystery to me. Kids, eh? Always curious, always wanting to make friends..._

_"Edward?" I shouted and saw him stop in his tracks and his grin start to grow wider in his face. He ran toward me, leaving his parents dumfounded and frozen in place. _

_"Yeah, Bella?" he cocked his head to the side and raised his eyebrows. He look really adorable when he was surprised. I unhooked the bracelet from my wrist that had a heart shaped charm on it with the letter 'B' next to it. I glanced at him, and watched his eyes grow wider in both surprise and pleasure. I took hold of his hands and placed the charm on the middle of his palm. _

_"It's yours, to show we are friends." I stared at his yes, that locked me and I couldn't move them. They were really mesmerising, and they still are. He opened his mouth to say something but closed it quickly. He closed his palm and placed it over his heart. I smiled broadly and knew that we were friends. _

_"Yes, we are friends aren't we? Thank you Bella." he said and turned to walk back to his parents but I took hold of his arm and turned him to face me. I softly kissed his cheek, raising my heels. I felt the rush of blood fill my face, and I knew that I must look red as a turnip. I stared at his thin lips while he bent down and kissed my cheek. To my surprise this time, he hugged me, in a soft and not strong hold. I knew I had a dream of him after he said the words that followed because it was the first time that I dreamt of Edward Cullen. _

_"I hope I see you soon, Bella." he whispered to my ear. It tickled my ear but it was funny, and I giggled. He gave a low chuckle and wawed his hand before running off back to his parents. _

_*End Flashback*_

The memory felt so raw, it was as if it was yesterday when I met Edward in the park. A single tear rolled down my cheek, and again, it didn't follow into a waterfall. I wiped the tear away with my index finger and stared at the wetness. It was weird crying again. After I met Edward, I never cried a single tear again. I had promised and committed myself to not to cry but now Edward...gone, I knew I had nothing left to committ to but I still couldn't cry. Or I guess I didn't want to.

I felt a little tap on my shoulder and I jumped out in fear. I felt relieved when I saw Mr Cullen, Edward's adoptive father, standing in front of me. For a second, I thought it was one of the dead bodies. But Edwards dead body, was who I imagined. Even though I would have been afraid, to see Edward behind me live and well, I would be filled with an unending joy. But relief came to dissapointment when Carlisle Cullen's worried expression was what I saw next. Carlisle Cullen was Edwards adoptive father. He was compassionate, intelligent, kind and very good hearted man, who did many humanity works. He was one of the best doctors around, who did his job as best as possible, and he had a well known status in the community. Carlisle Cullen was six foot two inches tall, has blonde hair and grey eyes. He is 25 years old, but he always looked younger. He was an asset to the community, was how my father had decribed him. But I decribe him as Zeus's younger better-looking brother. He is slight but also a little muscular. I remember when I visited him once in the hospital, I saw the nursers stare at him, drool over at him was more like it. I always laughed at him, when he saw the nurses staring at him, and he would look at his clipboard in his hands if he was only concentraed at that. _Oh, Dr Cullen_. His eyes only saw Esme Cullen, his beuatiful wife of 5 years. They were school sweethearts, and they always stayed, and sometimes, looked like they still were. They were happy, with a big family, but now one of their members passed away. And I could see the loss in his body. His usual high held shoulders and head, were slouched as if he had giving up, walking witha straight back. His eyes, seemed darker, and I saw the pain. He forced a smile, but failed, because his eyes filled with tears. His eyes were red, and not enough sleep caused the same effect on him as it did on his wife. Purple sacks covered his eyes, and his eyes were puffy. I've never saw him like this. Never. Now he looked as how his wife looked. Really old.

"Bella?" Carlisle asked as he looked over my shoulder. He looked confused and more sad.

"Oh. Mr Cullen." I said trying to keep my voice unaffected by his appearance and kept a straight face. For some reason he raised his eyebrows and cocked his head expecting me to say something else. Then I remembered that he always told me to call him by his first name. He made everyone say his first name, even his children. When I asked before why he did that, he told me that because everyone was equal to him and he didn't like the 'Mr' that people called him making him seem somewhat more powerful than others. He also told me that he hated officiality. I smiled a little and spoke. "I mean, Carlisle." he smiled too and nodded in agreement.

"What are you doing here?" he asked next, looking uncomfortable all of a sudden. This place was now a weird place for him to be, knowing that his son layed in a cold tray inside a fridge like. Dead and frozen. It must be also weird talking to his colleagues about his _own_ son, instead of some stranger.

"Nothing...I'm just...um... lost. Thats all." I lied. I hated lying and because of that I never could. '_You suck at lying'_, was Edwards exact words. Carlisle saw this and frowned a little. But he gave up and relaxed after I didn't say more. He shrugged.

"Whatever you say, Bella. I just wanted to check how you were?" he said and stared behind my shoulder.

"Don't worry about me! How is Mrs Cullen? I hope she's well." I quickly said and got his attention. He seemed like he just came out of a dream, but smiled, staring into my eyes.

"She's somewhat better,Bella. Somehow she is stronger."

"I'm really glad."

"To be honest,Bella, I heard you speaking to her. You are the reason why she is not thinking to kill herself, or that she hasn't lost her sanity. When you spoke to her you made her see. See the things that I or anyone else couldn't."

"I don't understand."

"You gave her the reason to hold on."

"Which is?" I pointed out, not knowing where he was taking this.

"Her children. You are the only person she would have believed. She would have trusted you and held on to your every word,because you were the closest to them. Especially to her dear, Edward."

"It's not me, Carlisle. I just told her what she wanted to hear."

"She's my wife, Bella. I would know what she needs to hear. Don't you think I didn't tell her already? She looked at me like if I was insane. She ran away into that room, and never came back out. Until you came."

"She chose what she believed, not because of a particular person. A persons choice is what makes them strong enough, to hang on. Right? You told me that, remember? Okay, maybe I just gave her a little nudge, but she still had the option not to believe. At the end of the day, it all comes down to the choices we make."

"Yes, Bella. I did but now that when you have the choice to believe either that your son had died or didn't, I think you would realise that I am not the perfect person to make rational choices at these circumstances"

"You were always wise, intelligent and compassionate. I will never change my opinion on that, Carlisle. No matter what the circumstances may be."

"I'm glad you think so."Carlisle said, in total amusement. There was a grin on his face but it didn't reach up to his eyes.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Of course, child."

"His room. Charlie said that the fire was stopped before it went to third floor..."

"Yes, it did. It was an annoymous call from someone."

"So if I want to see his room, I can? I mean with your permission." I asked, wanting to bite on my nails. I felt nervous for some reason. I didn't know why but I felt as if I would get rejected by him.

"No need to ask. That house is much yours too." Carlisle explained but I felt a big lump on my throat that was too hard to swallow. I felt left out all of a sudden. I mean Alice and Jasper were going out. So was Emmett and Rosalie which was always a challenge to seperate them. Me and Edward would usually enjoy each others company and without one an other we would feel as if we weren't compelete. But know without him I would look at teh othrs with eny becauyse they had someone to be beside them. No matter how much close we all were, Edward was unreplacable. Even though some people find adoptive siblings going out together a bit weird, I didn't have difficulty understanding. Cupid can hit you with its arrrow, and make you fall in love with the most unexpected person. From this the Cullens weren't much different. They didn't choose to have each other as mates, but they were on the other hand happy that the decision was made for them. They were just right for each other. Like a mirror image, but with totaly opposite personalities. Emmett was the irresponsible, immature, funny prakster that always got a smack on the head by Rosalie. Ah! Rosalie was the responsible, fun, narsiccistic, a girl who always stuck to her guns and extremely loyal to her friends and family. She was also Alice' s companion on our fashion trips. Well, mine wasn't a trip, because I usually didn't have fun, because I was a doll for them. And Alice is the optimistic, fashion lover, the queen of parties and the most energetic out of all of us. We would automatically know if something is wrong with her if she is quite, and not jumping around with enery. Plus, she was sometimes annoying for her size, and she ALWAYS got anything she wanted with those puppy eyes of hers. But then there was Jasper. His calm, kind, honest interior makes it hard for anyone not to like him. He is really protective over his family and is in an unconditional love with Alice. They are all madly in love, and I knew that they would fight for one an other, or give up their lives for the other to live. That was one of the many things I like about the Cullens. Family was always their main priority, and anyone who came in between that was not let out unpunished. "Anything for you, Bella." Carlisle addedd, and broke me in mid-thought. I just smiled weakly, believing otherwise.

"I guess you wan't to see his room..."Carlisle trailed off.

"No. I mean partly yes, but-" I struggled for words. I opened my mouth but quickly shut it. It felt awkward talking to Carlisle about Edward. Not because I didn't want to or couldn't but he always looked at me like he knew something I didn't. Now this was one of _those_ moments.

"No need for explanations, dear."

"No its not that its a secret or anything. Its his own secret. It maybe the only secret I don't know." I said in frustration. I hated the mysterious Edward, because he was so darn good at it. He would have that knowing smile that said I-know-something-you-dont!. But no matter how much I hated it, I also found it charming. Well, the _I_ meant all the girls in the school.

"What is it?" Carlisle seemed to be interested in it too. A smile appeared on his face, but as usual didn't reach up to his eyes.

* * *

Oooh, a cliffy? Well you gotta wait to now what it is that Edward that we love so much is hiding...

You know what you have to do right?

**Edward and me: *jumps up and down, screaming*** READ AND REVIEW! READ AND REVIEW!


	5. Chapter 5

**18 November 2003 : **

"A long time ago, Edward showed me a box and didn't tell me what it was. He always teased me, that I would never get to see them. He looked like if it was like the pandoras box, in his hand. His face was just making me die of curiosity.I don't know what they are, but I was always intiruged to find it out."

"Ah typical, Edward. My little boy, the mysterious, the one that can keep a secret to his grave..." Carlisle trailed off when he realised what he said. Pain crossed his face and he stared behind my shoulder again.

"It's okay. It was a mistake." I placed a hand on his shoulder, but he didn't seem to notice it because he stared at his hands.

"I wish God took me instead of Edward. He was so young, and he had a bright furure that awaited him." Carlisle whispered. His voice was filled with so much full of wretchedness, sober. Those eyes fortunatly were avoiding mine because I would cry my eyes out right here.

"Don't say things like that. And you know Carlisle, he wouldn't be afraid because his so reckless and is so over-protective!" I said, but placed a hand over my mouth when I realised what I said. I trigured something inside Carlisle and he asked the most basic and unavoidable question. I just gave myself away and I know what will follow. _Ooops_, I thought.

"How could you possibly know that?" Carlisle shot me a suspicious look, I turned away and gave up.

"You don't or anybody else, especially Charlie doesn't know is that I nearly drowned once-" I said slowly as I emphasized each word but before I could finish I was interrupted by Carlisle. Worry filled his eyes, and I fought the urge to stop myself from hugging him, because he cared about me.

"What? Why didn't you tell us?" Carlisle asked.

"This is exactly why. Overreaction is what is called. It wasn't extreme and I made Edward swear not to say anything about it."

"Bella!" Carlisle gasped. He truely looked hurt and offended that I didn't tell them about my near death experience.

"Im sorry Carlisle!"

"Ah, Bella! How did it happen?"

"Me and Edward were hiking and we lost each other. He was shouting my name for me to follow and I was running fast. The trees broke off into a small clearing and I didn't see that it was a cliff. So when I saw the ocean I tried to stop but it was too late. I fell off the cliff and dove into the ice cold water."

"Oh my..."Carlisle trailed off and stared at me in dissappointment. I now noticed that keeping this a secret was a stupid idea! Edward was right. Like always. "And just how are you alive right now?"

"Edward. He saw me fell and came after me. Im telling you, that stupid brain of his never comes up with brillant ideas!"

"You both were immature and stupid. Didn't you realise you both could have been killed?"

"Its in his nature to make stupid mistakes! His cocky confidence and stubborn personality is sometimes unberable and that was one of those times! When I told him he was just as stupid as I was, he just screamed at me for not looking at where I was going and blamed me for almost killing myself! I know that deep down he thought I must have committed suicide." I murmurred the last part.

"Bella..."Carlisle spoke in total daze.

"I'm sorry."

"Is that why he didn't stay alone or go places with you for a month?"

"Yes. That little over-protective, over-recative, stubborn jack ass thought he was a danger to me. He wouldn't come near me or go places with me! And when he did it was usually when Alice was there and Edward gave her full power of our day out! Imagine hours of torture in the mall!" I threw my hands up in the air and chuckled nervously. I saw a smile crack up in Carlisle face and turn slowly into laughter when he couldn't hold himself any longer.

"Yes, yes. The worst torture someone can ever endure! That little pixie knows how to get her ways!" Carlisle laughed hard again. I felt proud that I was the one to make him laugh. He was in so much pain and remorse that it was hard to look at him. But now he looked calm and himself, even for a few seconds. Because he quickly remembered something and squeezed his eyes shut. He bit his lips numerous times.

"You know, what? He always teases me that I have a really bad luck, but once he triped over a stone and I was the one that SAVED him!" I explained smile filling my voice and face. He looked at me confused but also thought that it was funny.

"You did? The girl who trips every five minutes saved the boy who always kept her face away from kissing the floor? That is quite hard to believe."

"OMG! Carlisle? Not you too?"

"I'm sorry Bella, but its not your nature to save people from having dates with floor! You usually have them constant dates with them yourself" Carlisle fell into hysterics. He placed a hand over my shoulders and pulled me into a hug. His hug was similar to Edwards. Warm and strong but not like a friend or a lover. It was fatherly. Something Edward wished he could have experienced. But it was too late. _Too late. _Edward only wanted a man to be his father, and Carlisle was just what he wanted. But Carlisle was only not the type that can easily open up about his feelings. I knew he feared that whatever he did Edward would take it diferently and remind him of his old adoptive fathers. Carlisle only wanted to bond with Edward, but he was too afraid the opposite effect may take place. Because Edward did give that vibe out to his family. Hew made them feel as if he hated them and didn't want them, but he changed and I knew Charlisle regretted not taking chances at bonding with his son who he loved dearly. Carlisle love for his son was not because he was a boy with a past that no one would ever want to endure but Edwrad was a reflection of Carlisles youth, even though he doesn't admit it. Not appearance but more of how they see the world and the way they cope it. Before Edward entered Carlisles life, Carlisle gave himself into his work. He buried himself with patients after patients that he was at the urge of loosing sense of his emotions. Esme and Carlisle fell apart with Esme being sterile and not being able to conceive children but it didn't draw them apart. It made their love strong as ever and it made them realise that they were meant for each other. No matter how they felt, they couldn't live with the silence at home without the sound of chidren, but instead it was filled with shame that both Carlisle and Esme shared. And when Edward came this looked like the hope that Esme and Carlisle prayed for. A part of it was yes, because they worked hard together to understand a six years old. The young Edward would be nothing but a mystery to them but they would use each others company to get past the hurt Edward would cause them to feel. Even if it wasn't intentionally done, Edward would show his hatred and pain but never speak of it. But on the other hand, Esme and Carlisles constant fights were inevitable because Edward was the topic. His pain truelly hurt Esme as her fragile heart would break everytime he saw Edwards face and when she couldn't find the help she seeked in her husband, she was alone. Carlisle into what he did best, and Esme thinking what she could do, to help the child of her dreams. The child that she waited for many years. That's why Edward hated hurting Esme. She was so good hearted and innocent it broke Edwards heart ten times more than its shattered shape. He hated seeing tears in her eyes or seeing her not smile. Her fragile heart that was big enough to fit everyone to be loved, was Edwards bigest nightmare. Causing Esme to be unhappy, because she did deserve happiness. This was one of the reasons why Edward hated himself. A reasone why he thought he was like a bloodsucking vampire, because he sucked the happiness and life out of his family. No matter how much I loved and protected Edward, I couldn't pass this behind me like the other things he did. Esme and Carlisle was nothing but loving to him and the way he treated them was like a chewng gum stuck to his shoe. He would insult not verbally but physically about their existence. However Esme and Carlisle was nothing but understanding so they finally broke down Edwards hard exterior and Edward was just their little son. He was kind and passionate to them but he never spoke. I sighed and buried my head against Carlisles chest.

"I miss him so much, it hurts to even breath without him around." I spoke to Carlisles chest,and wrapped my arms around his waist. Calisle just held me, his arms strongly around me. I could hear his heart beat against his ribs.

"I know Bella. I'm not trying to make everything worse but I have to tell you something." Carlisle said and I pulled back to see his face clearly. His expression was the expression of a man who lost everything at gambling. His money, his life, his family, his possessions. He had tears in his eyes, and they followed through. Those happy eyes were now pitch black with heavy loss. It was so painful and undescribable, I looked away.

"What it is?" I asked if I didn't know what he was talking about, absolutely oblivious. I squeezed my eyes shut. I knew this would come, and I had thought I was ready. But I realised I wasn't. I was starting to tremble, eyes stung with tears. My hands shook with fear and my legs were like jelly. Carlisle started rubbing my back but it was no help. I was shaking as if I was in the Antartic, with only a bathing suit on.

"I'm so sorry Bella." Carlisle kept on repeating. His voice was soothing and soft but also had urgency; pain. When I was at the edge of calming down the truth would hit me again, and I would start to tremble all over again. Edward died. His body was found burnt in his own house, while he fell asleep because he was so tired of doing extra shifts and companying patients all month. His heart stopped beating and he died in agonising pain. Every screams he let out, made him an inch closer to death. Every time he struggled in the couch as fire crept around his body and put him into flames, it hurt him thousand times more. The house was lke Hell, and Edward was the unwanted guest. So they kicked him out, by removing him out of existence. Taking the meaning out of my life, and crumbling my world down. No more Edwrad, no more of his sweet lavender and cinnomon smell. No more of Edwards beuatiful compositions filling his house, no more of his velvet voice. No more, of his crooked signature smile, or the way he would dazzle me with it. But most of all no more of his company or his touch against my pale white skin. I could no longer feel as different emotions filled me up. Anger, loss, pain, fear, betrayal, love...These were filling me up so fast, I couldn't control my breathing and it was hard for me to breath. It felt as if I was suffocating, and everything I breathed it seemed as if I was breathing in poison. Poison of the world. My eyes were blurry with tears but for some reason they didn't come down like a river. My heart shattered for the umpteenth time, and I fell on to my knees. My shoulders were dropped down in shame, and my hands were wrapped around my arms. I tore my gaze from the floor and looked into Carlisles grey eyes. They were filled with deep grey clouds, I was losing myself in them. I flew inside them and I felt a sence of deja vu. This was how I got lost in Edrwads green eyes. I would stare at them for hours and let myself run through the forest. Those emerald green eyes, were like a green forest with no ending or start. It was like a maze, that I never found the way out of. Except one. Alice screaming and waving her hands in front of my eyes when she was around. But when she wasn't that was Edwards job. To undazzle me.

"I'm so sorry, Bella. I wish I could tell you the oposite but the main reason I came here to tell you was that they comfirmed its Edwards body. I'm so sorry, Bella. Please forgive me."Carlisle pleaded with everything he had in him. He was so sad I didn't dare to look at him any longer and I stared at the doors leading to the morge. I sighed and spoke, which was a relief for Carlisle because he sighed of relief.

"I should have known this was coming. I just played the fool to think that maybe a miracle might happen and it wouldn't be him. I just lead myself on, like he would come. I'm so sorry."

"Shh."Carlisle said as he took me into a embrace. He rubbed my back and I felt calm and collected. I aparted myself from Carlisles hold and quickly stood up, but I regretted it because I had a really huge head rush, and everything became into twos. It was as if I just came out of a really fast rollercoaster and everything was still turning. I tried to walk but couldn't because my feet felt like stones. I tried to move them but it felt as if I was stuck on concerete. I took a shakey step but my legs gave in and fell head first on the floor. Everything turned black and my mind became completly silent.

The last thing I remember was a small puddle of blood beside my head.


	6. Chapter 6

**Hello wonderful Fanfiction readers! **

**I keep debating with myself to stop writing, since my story has lack of comments or any hints to show that it is been in peoples interest to read. But when I read the comments that come from the womderful and supportive **CountryMumAU, **I keep writing because it makes me happy to see that I at least have caught someones attention.  
**

**And I would like to send all my love and appreciation to: **

megan84

Maxel

CountryMumAU

Sasibell

asphxial

taralynn09

**Thank you all very much, and I hope me writing will make you guys happy as your support has been making me. **

**Disclaimer: I know that Twi-hard fans are all moaning because we don't own Twilight, because I know I do. And the Team Edwards, are all dissapointed that we can't get enopugh of him or Edward himself in my case. Anyways, I don't flipping own Twilight. *curses, and swears* **

**20 November 2003-**11:30pm

I opened my eyes into an empty room.

I glanced at the far too familiar corners of the room, taking in everything. The walls were a light blue, as the floors. The bed was positoned in the center of the room, two wide windows on my left, was open ajar. I could hear the faint sound of the heart monitor on the right. A small white desk was on the left, with a glass of water on top. Two white empty;uncomfortable looking chairs sat beside the desk. I sighed.

My head was aching with a piercing pain, that shot through the back of my head. It was as if someone was poking a wound, rapidly. I placed my hand over the pain, and felt a bandage over it. I suddenly remembered what happened and why I was in a hospital room. The dizziness, the headache, the blood... I remembered when I fell on the floor and I must have been brought up for a doctor to fix me up. I was pretty sure it was Carlisle, since he was the one there present when it happened. And he must have wanted to help himself, since he was so caring and one of the best doctors who did his job perfectly. Tears filled my eyes as the pain in my head deepened and got incredibly unberable. My eyes left as if they were going to pop out of its place.

I pushed the blue duvet away from my body. I slid my legs off the bed, taking out the pulse oximeter that was clipped to my index finger. I stood up, taking slow steps to reach the knob of the door. Turning it around I opened the door ajar, and peaked outside. There was no one insight, except a nurse behind the receptionist who was reading a magazine. Stepping outside, I felt like a prisoner escaping from its cell. I smiled weakly at the thought, and looked to both my right and left. What now? I was dressed in a white grown, that looked like I as mentaly unstable who just ran away from an asylum. My feet were turning cold, obviously because I didn't have any socks or any shoes on. I started to walk down the coridor, keeping a hand firmly on the walls. I couldn't trust my balance, especially when my head was more damaged than it already was. _Clumsy Bella_, Edward would joke. I stopped dead in my tracks, other memories from earlier rushing through me.

Carlisle told me that it was Edwards body, that was found inside the house. The house that went up into flames taking Edwards life with them. My heart ached in loss, as I realised that Edward died, and he wouldn't come back. It was as if the sun from my world was taken away leaving me with nothing but darkness. I wanted to be alone, without a noise from the world: total silence, total darkness. I wanted to crawl deep into the ground and never come up again. Edwards loss, sank into my mind and heart finally. I accepted it and fear took over me, because my worst nightmare came true. Edward was gone, and without him I felt like a half of an apple. Not whole, not complete. His whole existence in this world was the reason I smiled, but now that was taken away from me, like when I lost my mother.

My head became dizzy and my vision blurred and I collapsed on the floor. But before I could hit the floor, I felt strong arms pick me up from my waist. I knew one thing before I looked at my rescuer. It wasn't Edwards. His arms would wrap around my waist, genly picking me up. I looked at my hero, and saw Carlisles worried expression as he lifted me up quickly. He placed one of my arms around his shoulders and took me back to my prison cell.

As I entered the room, I felt trapped and worse, I felt like I was suffucating. A room this small had so many memories burried benath the floor, the walls sank in the sadness and fear, when I was younger. I was about nine, when I lost my mother. She had cancer, and I watched her slowly die for a whole year. Her beuatiful tanned skin became a solid yelow as the disease covered up all her body. Killing her slowly and painfully, switching off all her organs one by one. The smile on her face dissappeared, as the days came to an end. As the days would pass, I wrote a letter to her for each day of the year since we found out about her illness. She never got a chance to read them, or knew how I felt. The doctors said we could take her home, as my mother wished because she wanted to die, in her own house, in her own bed. She didn't look scared to die, but I knew my mother more than she knew herself. I knew she was hurting inside, and was scared down to her core. And, she was gone without even a goodbye. One day, when my father was sleeping downstairs in the couch, with exchaustion and lack of sleep for at least a month, my mother sneaked off to the park. She walked and collapsed as the end of her time came. The neighbours called for an ambulance but there was no use because she had already died. My father came to my school, dragging me to the hospital without any explanations. But from the fear and worry in his eyes, I didn't push him any further. When we came to the hospital, my father spoke to the doctors, while the nurse was giving me a cup of water. I don't remember what he said, but I remember him falling down on his knees, his hands covering his face, tears pouring down. As I ran toward him, I knew the ugly truth, that my mother died. But my father wasn't convinced, so he wanted to see the body. He insisted that I wasn't to go with him but I followed them and went right behind him inside the freezing cold room. The room filled with grey metal fridges with numbered labels on them, was nothing but a place I loathed since then. The doctor opened one of the fridges and slid out a body, that I recognised immediatly as I stared at the little strands of hair was flowing out under the covers. I ran to my father, and hugged him tightly. "_Everything will be fine_", was all he said, and from that day, my mothers name was forbidden. Renee Swan, was truelly dead to my father.

As I slid back into the bed with Carlisles help, I realised that the purple sacks under Carlisles eyes were gone. I smiled.

"Got some sleep finally?" I mocked him, my voice sounding weak and sleepy. He turned to me and raised a brow.

"Yes, I did. And as a doctor I perscribe it to you." he smiled warmly, and I laughed.

"Yes, . And I perscribe you a day off. I mean, give a break to the nurses!" I said and he chuckled.

"I'll give a thought to that." he promised and went to get a chair so he could sit beside my bed. I pulled the duvet, up to my chin and hugged it.

"How are you feeling?" Carlisle asked, as soon as he sat down.

"Like Hell." I explained, but he just smiled.

"I like honesty. Well, what are your complaints, Miss Swan?"

"I have a huge headache at the back of my head. Anyways, what happened to it?" I asked.

"Well, first I'll get you some painkillers to kill that pain. And for your next question, you fell hard on the floor and opened up a wound. I had to stich it up."

"That does sound like me." I said and received a low chuckle from Carlisle. His eyes didn't shine as it would when he laughed but I saw that it was genuine.

"Yeah, well you scared alot of people." Carlisle said and rubbed his eyes. I guess the sleep wasn't that much of a help after all.

"Sorry. And thanks for everything, Carlisle. I appreciate it." I said sheepishly, as I stared at my hands.

"You welcome, Bella."

"Wheres Charlie, by the way?"

"He went to get coffee. I mean you did sleep for nearly two days."

"What? You serious?" I said laughing. It felt as I was asleep for only hours, not _days_.

"The wound was wide, and the morphine was like giving sleeping pills to you. That does happen on _some_ patients. It's like a side effect." Carlisle raised an eyebrow on the '_some patients'_. Always teasing my weirdness. Alright, I am not normal, but that doesn't give the right for people to tease me about it. Right? Carlisle laughed, and I just narrowed my eyes.

"Ha ha, really funny." I said feeling colour rise to my cheeks.

"So feeling better?"

"Much better!" I said, and we both turned to the door, where there was a soft knock. The door slowly opened, to show a man with curly hair, soft chochlate brown eyes, a neat mustache, and he had a pale white skin. My father, Charlie, walked into the room. He smiled. Carlisle stood up.

"I'm going to get you some painkillers. I'll be back." Carlisle said and before he was out the door, he placed a hand on Charlies shoulder. Charlie murmured "Thanks" and from that Charlisle was out the door. Charlie walked to the chair that Charlisle sat on and smiled.

"You okay,kiddo?"

"Yes, dad, I'm fine." I smiled. I felt sorry for him. He thought he always had to prove that he cared or loved me, but teh truth was I already knew that. He may act like a tough dad, and may not say much about his feelings but in reality he was just a dad who loved his only child. Even though sometimes he was over-protective. Charlie was the Chief of Police. In his navy police uniform, I noticed that his gun wasn't with him. He had lived on this small town, since he was born even his parents lived here. He always wasted time on his work or by fishing or watching baseball games. He didn't like much of a company like me, and I guess I inherited it from my dad. I saw that he wanted to say more but he couldn't. And I liked that. We didn't need to speak to know how the other one felt, and it was something I didn't have with my mother, which is why it felt extra special. I also liked that he respected my privacy, especially at times when I needed it the most. I spread my arms and motioned for Charlie for a hug. He smiled. He entered my arms and hugged me tightly.

"Thanks Dad."

"For what?" he said, sounding amused.

"For everything."

"Anytime, Bella." he said and kissed my head. I closed my eyes, and fell asleep on Charlies arms.

Aww, what a great dad is Charlie, eh?

Anyways another chapter I uploaded, and I am going to be waiting a week until you readers write comments. I dont care if its good or bad. I dont really mind being critised, because it makes me realise to the places that I need to develop more in.

Anyways, please read and review. I am esctatic of my story having 269 hits, and I would also like to thank those unknown readers that has been kind to at least check it out.

So, I need to go back to my Edward, and you guys should read. Plus, there is a funny surprise coming later in the chapters.

Ta da for now.

Keep smiling, keep laughing. The only way to live through a horrible day. :)


	7. Chapter 7

_**Here is another chapter, for my lovely readers. **_

_**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. Neither Edward. Neither Alice. Neither Emmet. Neither Bella...**_

_**You get my point! :)**_

_Imagine there's no Heaven  
It's easy if you try  
No hell below us  
Above us only sky  
Imagine all the people  
Living for today_

_**Imagine by John Lennon**_

**IMAGINE**

**20 November 2003**

I was standing in an open space in a forest. It was so beuatiful it took my breath away. The meadow might be small and round but it was filled with the most gorgeous midflowers- violet, yellow and soft white. Somewhere behind, I could hear the faint sound of bubbling music of a stream. I raised my head toward the beautiful summer sky. The sky was clear from the clouds, and it was in a light blue, that was accompanied by the sun. I closed my eyes as the wind whipped my hair around softly. I took in deep breaths.

"Bella." a soft velvet voice said. My eyes snapped open and my body slowly turned toward the voice. I stared in surprise and pleasure as Edward was right behind me, his crooked smile on his beuatiful face. His perfect features, and piercing green eyes made my heart beat like the chirpings of a birds wings. But what was he doing here? Where were we? Isn't he supposed to be...?

"Edward? Where are we? What are you doing here?" I pleaded but Edward just smiled sadly. He gestured to his right and there was my family. Charlie, Carlsile, Esme, Alice, Emmett, Rosalie, Jasper, stood by the trees, all crying. Esme was leaning against Carlisles chest. Charlie had his arms around Alice, Emmett, Rosalie and Jasper. Their heads were bowed, and tears were pouring down all their faces. Even the tough, grizzly bear Emmett. I tore my gaze away from them and stared at Edward.

"Why are they crying? Can't they see that you aren't dead?" as I said this Edwards smile turned sour and he gestured to his left. It was my mother. Her caramel hair was down to her waist and she was in a white floral dress. It came down to her ankles and she smiled at me encouracingly. She gestured me to walk towards her but when I took at leat two steps I felt a strong hand around my wrist. Edward was shaking his head and tears were in his eyes.

"Edward its my mother." I explained softly but no words came out of his mouth. Except he looked over his shoulder to my family. When I followed his gaze, they were all shaking their heads too. I frowned. What were they trying to tell me? As I looked at my family again, they too were dressed in white. Carlisle, Charlie, Emmett and Jasper, wore similar white trousers with white shirt. The women: Esme, in her white long silk dress that hung lose around her body, looked like a star in the 60's. Rosalie, on the other hand, wore a one shoulder dress that came down to her knees, and Alice was in a long white dress that had a bow on the front. I noticed that everyone was dressed in white, even Edward. He was in a soft white satin trousers, with white shirt and a beige vest. I looked at myself. I was in a black beuatiful romantic detailed one-strapless dress , that had courset underlining; looked much like the gowns worn by celebrities on the red carpet, with rustling taffeta and a bustle that wasn't overdone. The gown came flowing down to my ankles, like a wedding dress**. **My hair was let down into soft natural curls. I was now totally confused? Why was I in a black dress and everyone in whites? I looked up into Edwards eyes, and he was smiling again. He took my hand, pressing his soft lips to kiss my knuckles. I bushed.

"You look so beautiful." he said his voice as a matter of fact. I glanced around me again, and saw my mother walking towards us. With the corner of my eye, I saw Edward follow my gaze. He pulled me behind his body, so he was standing infront of me, in a defensive mode. I stared at him in confusion and disbelief.

"Edward its okay. She's my mother. She won't hurt me." I said wanting to pull away from him, but some part of my concience agreed with him. I did feel as if I was in danger, and I felt safer with Edward protecting me. As if he heard my thought he turned and wrapped his arms around my shoulders. I closed my eyes, and I didn't want to wake up, and face the reality that this was a dream. His gentle arms wrapped perfectly around my shoulders. It felt as if we fit to an unknown puzzle. He leaned back to see my face;cupping my cheeks.

"You will always be safe with me." he whispered and with that he vanished with the cold blow of air, like sand on a desert. Tears filled my eyes, and I looked at my mother, she too was slowly turning into nothing but air. When I blinked she was gone. I turned around to see that my family was still there, but they were turning around to walk back to the forest. I ran as fast as I could, with my dress dancing with the wind. When I was close enough to reach them, I tripped over my dress and fell on my hands. I looked up and no one was in sight. They were gone. I curled up into a ball and cried.

The sky got darker, with grey clouds covering the sky, getting ready to rain. I slowly stood up, as drops of rain fell to my hair and bare shoulders. After seconds, the rain was pouring from the sky like cats and dogs. I was shiverering as my dress and hair was soaking wet. My teeth were shuttering as my hands and feet went cold as ice. I wrapped my hands around my arms, and looked around. It was total darkness. In this rain, while soaking wet, I was afraid to move, even though I knew I had to. It wasn't safe, but it felt as if I had to wait for something more. It felt as if my time to go, wasn't up yet.

"Mother?" I screamed at the top of my lungs. I searched every shadow for something. Someone. Anything. But I knew there was no use, she was gone and wouldn't come back.

"Dad? Anybody?" I shouted toward the forest. I was alone and I was afraid. I was now too numb to think, as the cold wrapped around my heart. My breathing became fast and my throat hurt everytime I tried to breath. I fell down again, not having any energy to stand up, as the ice cold air whipped around me. I was shaking frantically. I was going to die...

"Please, help me Edward." I whispered and all of a sudden the rain stopped revealing the sun. I blinked as the sky was filled with a bright rainbow that shot across the sky. The hot sun burned against my wet skin, making me feel a little warmer. What just happened? As I said Edwards name, the rain vanished and the sun came up? I was in shock but also in relief. In shock, because what happened could not be explained. And relief, because I was saved from freezing to death. I started to stand up slowly, my dress and hair soaking wet- the hair on the back of my neck stood up. This happened when someone was watching me. I straightened myself, and looked around, to see _him_.

"Edward!" I gasped and started to run toward him. I wanted to get into his strong embrace and bury face at the crook of his neck. Smell him, and feel his touch, as he would rub my back. I ran hard against his body, and I giggled as he picked me up from my waist and spun me around. I ran my fingers through his tousled copper hair, and placed my other hand tightly around his neck. He put me down, and smiled, as his face was inches away from mine.

"I missed you." I said, smiling. His green eyes shone with happiness. I knew this was a dream, but I didn't care. Edward was the wall that I would lean against when I was weak. He was the sun, that warmed me up inside when I was cold. Having his arms wrapped around my waist made me forget of what happened. All my fears and pain vanished, and my heart was furious: beating fast and hard against my chest.

"Don't think that you'll get rid of me that soon." he laughed. It was the most perfect and beautiful sound I've ever heard. For others Edwards appearance and his popularity was what was thought to be gained when they thought they were going out with him. But the truth was Edward was more than that. There was always two sides to people, and I liked both sides of Edward. The inside was warm, caring, passionate, modest, unselfish but even though the outside was cold and heartless, I loved them both and admired them very much. He was too perfect for some people, but he was just perfect for_ me_.

"Wasn't planning on it." I answered and saw a crooked smile, appear on his face. I had to look away to hide the blush that was threatining to rise to my cheeks. I again realised that our faces were inches away from each other, and I unwrapped myself from him, but also kept close.

"Are you okay?" I asked wanting to know if he was in pain or anything. I mean the kid, did go up into flames...

"You just hit your head, got stiched up, and you're asking me if _I'm _okay?" he chuckled again, and I smiled. I missed his laugh. I t was the perfect sound of my world...

"I'm glad I amuse you. And how do you know about my head?" I asked frowning. He lifted my chin up with his finger, and I stared at his eyes. I was mesmerised once I locked my eyes with his.

"I can see everything."

"Now you're a full time stalker." I laughed, but was cut off of how serious Edward looked. His eyes were locked into mine, and I didn't see any humour run through them.

"I can see you hurting. I can see you trying to be strong, and close inside your shell, Bella. But don't." Edward said in a soft voice, his eyes never leaving mine. He knew me so well, that when I lost him was like I had lost sense of who I was. Tears were urging to fill my eyes but I fought hard to keep them away.

"Edward-"

"You don't have to." Edward cut me off. I nodded in defeat and buried my face in his chest. This one time, I let the tears pour down my cheeks in front of someone. I promised myself that I would never cry again infront of anyone. Ever again. Edward held me up against his chest, and started rubbing my back with his hands. Slowly, I saw the tears dry out, and I leaned back to look at his shirt. It was wet, but Edwards smile showed he didn't care. I smiled and tried to think of something to say to ease the tension.

"So, since when did you turn out to be so sensitive? I thought that was just Jasper." I teased lightly.

"Ha, ha, real funny!" he said, trying to hold back a smile. He never could keep a straight face, and I cupped his face in my hands, and kissd his soft cheeks. They turned bright pink, making me laugh, at his adorable innocent face. After my laugh faded, we both stared at each other. My eyes fell down to his perfect lips. Our heads moved towards each other like magnets, but before our lips even met, he jerked back. Pain crosssed his face, and somehow it looked as if kissing me would harm me.

"I have to go." was all he said before untangling himself from me, and walking away. He walked toward the forest, but I was afraid to follow. I didn't wan't to lose Edward but he walked so fast, he was out of the clearing in seconds.I felt the urge to scream his name, as if he would come back like before. But even though I knew it was no use, I tried.

"EDWARD!" I screamed toward where he left off. I screamed his name out again, but he was no where to be seen. I put both of my hands over my heart and closed my eyes. I let a little prayer, and asked for a promise from Edward.

"Please, don't leave me." I whispered into the soft summer air, and opened my eyes to see that I was falling into a deep black hole.

**So end of another chapter, meaning that all week I will be dying to see if people commented. :) **

**Oh and from now on if you guys are unsure about anything, let me know. **

**And as unlucky as I am, I lost at least two chapters of my work, for some odd reason with my computer *crying my eyes out* . Those chapters were based on Emmett and Rosalie's past lives. :( But no worries since I don't mind writing all over again, but I sure do need your support. And Edwards. He he! **

**Please read and review. It does really make me happy. :D **


End file.
